I want to love you. I really do. You are in my face so it makes it kind of hard to ignore you, so I truly do wish we could get along.
But our relationship is complicated. Tumultuous. The nature of it could even be described in the same words as the state you often choose to be in: inflamed. Irritated. Impossible.
It is a classic “you only had one job” type of situation. Your job is to allow oxygen and mucus flow freely yet this a thing you do not seem capable of.
Therefore, I am disappointed in you. If you were a student in my class I would write “needs improvement” in the comments section of your report card. If you were a restaurant I would give you a one star Yelp review.
To prove that you remain stubborn in the midst of my sincere efforts, here is a list of things I have done in order to attempt to soothe you, to no avail:
-Take a hot shower
-Take a hot bath
-Use every type of nasal spray legally available in the U.S.
-Sleep sitting up against 4,000 pillows
-Use a Neti pot to pour water directly into my nasal passages, which I had to stop doing because my doctor sister warned me it could give me a brain infection (worth it?).
-Throw an entire bag of menthol cough drops into a bowl of boiling water and hover over it with a towel over my head
-Apply Vicks VapoRub to the outside of my nostrils
-Apply Vicks VapoRub to the inside of my nostrils
-Google whether it is safe to consume VicksVapoRub (it is not)
-Watch a sad movie, hoping that the flow of crying-induced snot would clear you (nope, just made it worse)
Clearly, I have tried it all, and I am thoroughly out of ideas.
All I can say is this: in a month and a half I will turn 26, and have no health insurance.
SO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.